New in Town-1

It's Jakarta

Why does the sky look different? The air is congested with hundred different smells. There a small place to eat next to a big garbage bin. The noise. Why does everyone have to yell? There's a pirated CD shop next to a Buddhist temple. Everyone, even those who are still learning to utter words, speaks up. Craving for attention? Perhaps. After all we were all crying when we first breathed the air.

I stood still. Trying my best to comprehend, to compromise, to understand, to bear with the complexities. 'Reverse culture shock is tricky' the psychologist once told me . I didn't argue. I wanted to. I know he's right. But I won't show it. I'm too old for blame game, even with a city which everyone has a love and hate relationship, even with a country where nothing seems to be working. And I'm too proud to victimize myself.

I gazed around. Trying to feel the rhythm. I had hope, I still do, though it's shrinking, that one day I could dance around with this city, not fight. But I know to do that, I have to compromise, to give up something, or even to give in?? Only, what are the things I need to sacrifice and let go? 'It's gonna be a big adjustment' he said. Is he adjusting too, at this moment? More and more I sense that what this city wants are the things I want to keep for myself.

I forced a smile. Trying to sympathise this city, its people. After all, they're just looking for happiness, for life, for reason to smile. What makes me different to them? It seems to me, every single space of this part of the earth is cultivated. There's a stubborn energy to keep on trying. 'I'm busy surviving, Clara' he said. Everyone is rushing, pushing, aiming, though with no purpose. Some with the power of money are getting there faster. But has anyone ever asked where are we going. What is the destination? Is it where we want to go? Is it where I want to go?

In the motion

In the motion
(written in the plane on the way back home)

so, here i am in the plane going back home
tired, sleepless, a bit hungry

things start to change
more people speak the language that sounds alien and familiar at the same time
i swing between addressing people with english and with indonesian

the sky changes from Australian sky to Indonesian
the ocean I fly above
and soon the soil I land on and the air I breathe

don't ask about my feeling
i wish i could pick up one like i pick up a dress
choose one that suits me

things start to change
i will catch up

Sophie: A Tale of Love and Violence

‘You must leave him. He’ll only hurt you’

‘No, I love him. You don’t understand love, Clara! If you do, you wouldn’t break up with your ex just because afraid of being hurt’

Saya tersentak. Begitulah percakapan saya dan teman saya, Sophie* berakhir. Usaha saya meyakinkan Sophie untuk meninggalkan pacarnya yang tidak hanya mentally tapi juga physically violent, membentur tembok.

Sophie adalah seorang perempuan Fiji yang bekerja sebagai asisten administrasi di RRRT (Regional Rights Resource Team), tempat saya magang selama tiga bulan. Usianya tak jauh beda dari saya. Walaupun tak punya gelar segudang, Sophie, menurut saya benar-benar cerdas. Sophie seringkali mematahkan argumen saya (yang di-back up oleh teori-teori yang saya pelajari) dengan menunjukkan dimensi lain yang saya tak pernah pikirkan.

Percakapan ini terjadi di minggu pertama 2012. Seminggu sebelumnya, di hari pertama ngantor, Sophie datang dengan beberapa luka di wajahnya. Salah satu matanya biru. Alasannya, dia terjatuh dari tangga. Dan saya percaya. Mungkin itulah alasan mengapa besoknya Sophie bercerita tentang pacarnya ke saya. Dari saat itu saya tahu betapa kasarnya pacar Sophie, George. Saat itu Sophie mengutarakan niat untuk berpisah dari pacarnya. Saya mendukung.

Selang beberapa hari kemudian Sophie absen dari kantor. Supervisor saya menanyakan keberadaannya karena saya dinilai dekat dengan Sophie. Respon saya, ‘hello, you know her for years already’. Tapi katanya, Walaupun semua staf mahfum dengan kasarnya George, Sophie tak pernah bercerita tentang George kepada siapapun kecuali saya. Saya panik. Saya telepon sana-sini (hp sophie disita George). Mulai dari ibunya, neneknya (Sophie anak tunggal of an amazing single mom), temannya, semua tanpa hasil. Besoknya Sophie kembali ke kantor, kali ini mengutarakan niatnya untuk menikah dengan George.

Setelah percakapan itu saya kembali ke meja kerja dan harus menulis laporan tentang bagaimana undang-undang dapat mengurangi angka kekerasan terhadap perempuan. Yeah, right!! Di depan saya adalah Sophie yang mengerti tentang HAM, gender, feminisme dan bekerja di LSM yang memperjuangkan hak-hak perempuan. Dan satu kata, cinta, a mere feeling, bisa menegasikan semua hal itu. Hari itu saya merenung panjang.

Sophie, tentu saja, tak sendiri. Di Pasifik, termasuk Fiji, kekerasan fisik terhadap perempuan dialami oleh tak kurang dari 68 persen perempuan (UNWOMEN 2011). Jangan tanya tentang kekerasan mental (Tak hanya perempuan sebenarnya. Saya punya seorang teman dekat pria yang pernah terjebak in a mentally abusive relationship). Banyak LSM, termasuk RRRT mengusahakan berbagai strategi untuk mengurangi angka ini dan mengadvokasi hak asasi perempuan. Tapi apalah arti semua ini, jika sebagian besar hak perempuan dinegosiasikan dalam ranah privat, seperti hubungan romantis atau keluarga. Dan seringkali solusi yang diberikan membebani, mendiskreditkan dan menyalahkan perempuan yang menjadi korban. Seperti Sophie pernah bertanya pada saya, ‘Do you think I am stupid for falling in love with George?’

Tapi ini tidak hanya terjadi di Pasifik yang terkenal dengan budaya patriakisnya**. Di Australia, saya berteman Nicole yang memiliki partner yang mentally abusive. Nicole tak diperbolehkan bekerja padahal Nicole sangat menyadari potensinya. Partner-nya merasa tersaingi, begitu observasi Nicole. Nicole memutuskan untuk bercerai. Sebuah kesempatan bekerja di ANU memaksanya untuk memilih. Berat. Nicole membawa Terry, putrinya, hijrah ke Canberra, dan harus rela terpisah dari Damien, putranya yang memutuskan tinggal dengan ayahnya di Brisbane.

Selain Nicole, saya juga berteman dengan Allison yang memutuskan berpisah dari suaminya, setahun setelah anak pertama (dan satu-satunya) lahir. Sekarang putranya berusia 12 tahun, dan teman saya ini tetap single sampai sekarang. Lagi-lagi berat. Tapi ini tak memudarkan niatnya untuk mengaktualisasikan diri. Malahan, being single, menurutnya memudahkan dia untuk mengejar mimpi-mimpinya dan tinggal di banyak negara, mulai dari Cina, Amerika, hingga kini Australia. She’s a qualified nurse and social worker with law and public policy degree. What could be more? And in doing so, she provides her son with a lot of great experiences.

Tapi tanya mereka, apakah keputusan untuk meninggalkan abusive partner itu mudah? A big NO is what you get. Butuh bertahun-tahun dan kesempatan emas di ANU untuk Nicole berani bercerai. Butuh sakit hati berkepanjangan dan dukungan keluarga untuk Gladys berani berpisah. Tanya mereka, seberapa dalam perasaan mereka kepada partner-nya? Chances are, they will say, ‘Of course I love him’.

Jika Nicole dan Gladys berakhir dengan manis, saya belum tahu apa yang bakal terjadi dengan Sophie. Karena takut kehilangan kepercayaannya (nantinya kalau ada apa-apa dengan dia, Sophie tak mau cerita lagi), saya berusaha menerima kehadiran George. Beberapa kali kita clubbing, saya dan seorang teman lain harus rela ‘dikawal’ oleh George dan bermanis-manis ria karena jika tidak, Sophie harus menanggung konsekuensinya. Di farewell party saya, George hadir. Betapa saya ingin mengatakan ‘Leave her alone’, but instead I said, ‘Please treat her well’.

Saya masih harus belajar banyak. Dulu, saya selalu percaya bahwa manusia itu rasional dan kalkulatif (no wonder I never work out my relationship :P). Namun, Sophie memaksa saya untuk meredefinisikan perspektif saya. Seperti kala itu, Sophie menunjukkan bahwa feelings, no matter how irrational they might be, are integral part of human decision.

*Semua nama adalah nama samaran

**Ada beberapa yang berargumen definisi budaya patriakis yang umum digunakan sangat simplistik. Perempuan Samoa misalnya mempunyai power yang besar tergantung posisinya di dalam sebuah klan. Segregasi public and private juga memberikan keuntungan buat mobilitas perempuan dan menentukan peran krusial mereka dalam masyarakat. Intinya kalau perempuan mogok masak, tak ada pekerjaan public yang bisa terselesaikan. Banyak yang berpendapat urbanisasi dan industrialisasi-lah yang menciptakan ruang kekerasan thd perempuan.

In the best 'pose' of the children

How many times, in a day, you see children? How many times, in a week, you interact with them? Answers will be vary. Have kids on your own, most probably you have to deal with them every day. A teacher? Monday to Friday.

Again, how many times in a day, when you are surfing the magic world of internet, you stumble upon some pictures of cute children with all their cheeky grins? Crying, playing, laughing, bathing, eating, sleeping. And in second, you found yourselves, like me, going, 'Aaaaah...' with eyes softened and eyebrows curving down. They are just so adorable, aren't they?

Images of children are everywhere. TV (most ads now use kids, even for product that children don't use or has nothing to do with children), radio, newspaper, magazine (how many magz are now dedicated to 'smart and sensible' parents? With glossy pages of proud good-looking mom and dad pose with their kids in oh-so-adorable-outfits), pamflet or business logo or NGOs' reports (from the appeal for war-torn kids in Afghanistan to NGOs' new hips of smiling African girls), and of course, your daily supply of online media.

On my facebook, I have some friends who are (recently) taking role as mothers (and it seems that the number grows exponentially every year, higher speed and soon I'll be attending christening rather than wedding -alone *sigh). Everyday, there'll always be two or three of them post pictures of their children doing stuff. Cute!!! I have to admit, although sometimes it gets too much. One of my friends irritates me (no I don't storm it out at her) by posting almost every single move of her son, from getting up in the morning, sleeping peacefully, crying, fighting, eating, sitting idly after eating, opening the gifts. Really, the same expose MJ's children or Surie Cruise would get, had the paparazzi be given full access. Oh ya don't forget mum's comment to stuff the context!

But why bother? Surely 6yo Bonnie is her son? It's not like all these moms are trying to do harm to their children. And it's facebook, where your friends are supposedly people you know, right? So what's the harm? Most comments on the pics came from close friends (because only close friends bother to sneak into your page hahaha). No weirdo would going to copy the pics and what? distribute? using them for dodgy stuff? Well, god forbids so, but who knows?

But no, my argument against posting your cute ones pics on facebook is NOT based on rare-but-it-does-happen act of phedophils. It's about privacy, that your kids are individual who have rights to privacy, just like you, me, your husbands, and billions others adults. Want something solid? Well, the Convention on the Rights of Children (as contestable as it is) stipulates the children's rights to privacy. And CRC, my friends, is the only human rights convention, all the countries have signed and ratified (except, our beloved US and Somalia).

Contrary to some would insist, children do understand privacy, although not in mainstrem-adult-way of defining or understanding it. Children, too, have their comfort and private zone. Remember, the time when you have that cheesy flowery diary with that smell of cheap-soap and you'd rather die than someone (esp. parents) have a look and read it?? That's privacy. All the secrets things that children hide (although parents insist on openness and honesty). They might not be things that matter for adult (how many times as a kid, your parents laugh at your best kept secrets when you were eventually game enough to share it?), but they do matter to us as kids, no less matter than they are to your children.

In current social media, privacy is a big and constantly debated concept. New social media like facebook or twitter that connect digitally-literate people of all ages (as you can always defy your age. my two youngest siblings, age 10 and 12, have facebook), and share information captured in words and pictures to all your friends. And they are there for only Mark Zuckenberg (and few others) knows how long. In facebook, with current higher privacy setting, you can control whom you share information with, and if your friend mind enough to pay you the luxury of courtesy, they'll tag you and inform you when shared information are posted. And you can either reject it or not. Although, what happen if they're not sensitive enough (some ppl think they own the complete rights to shared pictures just because their faces are also captured)? Similarly, adults are considered well-informed of the consequences of their presence in public spot or at least, when someone take your picture. Taking someone picture in public spot is another issue to discuss, something that I don't have enough knowledge.

So, imagine 1 yo old daughter and I, as a happy proud mom just want to share the joy of me having her to my friends. Facebook is the place, isn't it? And how, being mindful of the my daughter's privacy, do I ask for her consent? After all, she's only 12 months, the only word she can utter is 'mommy'.

No easy way. Back to CRC, acknowledging that children might not have all that it takes to make sound decision (this is too, debatable) considering the complexity of decision one can make sometimes, CRC provides the (overly-abused) principle of 'the best interest of the children'. This principle, although contestable and vague, is probably the only venue of guidance I can think of now. This principle lends space for adult to make decision for children, done in the manner of utmost consideration of (1) children's opinion and (2) their best interest. Assumptions are the one who make decision, knows better and has good intention. Remember the way your parents said to you, 'This is for your own good!' That's it, they're using the same justification, i mean, principle. But again, the principle begs the question of interpretation. Adult and children, no matter how close is their relationship, have different interpretations. And not to mention, the difficulty in defining 'interest' and measuring the scale of 'best'.

Best interest of children and their opinions. If your children are smart enough to comprehend the internet (and what it means by mommy putting your singing pictures in her facebook), ask their opinion or rather seek their permissions!! If your children, are too young to understand or for some other reasons cannot understand, think twice, deeply! Would this picture embarrass my son? Now, three years or thirteen years later? If I were him, at his age (or later) would I be happy if someone share my picture in my swimmer to 600 others people that I don't know (think hundreds times if you are a narcissistic person)?

Sounds too much, or too progressive. Not really. Children by the age of 4 or 5 can understand that anything with their image on it is, to some extent, their possession. They have opinion of what to do with it, which pictures are okay to show to people (not the one I wore that stupid bunny outfits), and to whom. So chances are, three years from now, the picture of your 1 yo daughter will still be accessible (remember no one knows how long facebook and internet keep all our information) and they might disagree on your decision putting the pics on facebook. After all, it's the token of their lives that you are sharing, something that they have full ownership of.

-that way, next time i procrastinate by flicking your children's picture, I don't feel guilty hehehehe-

Dear Clara

Clara!

I don't know if it is your story or if it is your writing, or may be both. But, your e-mail is remarkably riveting and engaging, as evident from the passion with which it is written.

T is going through a phase which is not very different from what you are going through - strange land, huge opportunities, new relationships, uncertain future. It is natural for people in the school to see both of you and form their own understanding of where you both are in terms of your academic careers. As for you, it is important to recognise the signs of competition, and to acknowledge the feelings and frustrations that accompany them. Instead of having to score points to assert dominance within competition, one can go a long way by saying to themselves that they have nothing to lose. Your life is ahead of you, many opportunities are ahead of you, and competition can only make your life better if you are able to handle it healthily by seeing opportunities through them. I always use the analogy of the government and the opposition. You govern your life. Outside competition although, can influence your life which you govern. Whilst most governments tend to defend their point of view by justifying their views as better, a good government takes the criticisms and challenges as opportunities for shaping and expanding their vision. There is nothing here for you to prove, nothing to defend, nothing to lose and a hell of a lot to gain. So use this T episode to identify what you have learnt through this, and utilise it to shape your vision for your life. It could even include simple things like: who are my real friends? How do I learn to handle competition effectively? How can I handle situations without running away from them, denying them or sweeping them under the carpet? etc etc. I think you are learning lots through this, and I am very optimistic that you will learn more as days go by.

Coming to your questions about me. Yes, I am applying to Oxford and Cambridge for a Master’s degree which will eventually lead into a PhD. My topic of research will be to expand on the God/humanity/creation interrelation in the Old Testament scriptures, focusing on psalms, proverbs, Ecclesiastes and Job. I will certainly be applying for scholarship, without which, I will find it very hard. I stare at Sophie's world every day. It is on my bed, begging to be read. I have been getting 2 hours sleep each night of late, which is why Sophie continues to wait for me. The same applies to Le Petite Prince, which is why I am kind of looking forward to the Christmas holidays.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the simplest things. I love to read and hear your stories, and I never see them silly. As a matter of fact I feel privileged that another person's experience can inform and influence my own life. So you and your stories are welcome as ever.

Good luck with all your preparations for Fiji. Have a blast.

The Piano Man