The Pain of Silence

Pain comes in silent, and we suffer silently.

It was an usual sunday morning. Some new faces at church except the fact that there were tw0 young people who would re-affirm their faith, and one guy -the piano player- who would become the member of Australian Uniting Church. I personally, don't really understand the implication of being a member and don't really see the points of reaffirming your faith in public.

In the beginning of the sermon, I went outside, gathered couple of kids to play with. Oh well, we weren't actually playing. I didn't have any plan for them. So it was kind of impromptu things. I decided to tell the story of the Good Samaritan. I am not a bad story teller, if I should say so, :D. I asked them to imagine the case where they passed a street, found this half-naked-tortured man while they were in a rush to meet a beautiful lady (note: the kids were all male, note: please don't allege me suggesting sexual attraction too early). They gave quite honest and logical answer. One said he didn't know what to do, while the other said that he would call his waiting friend and explained the situation. Well done boys!!!

As we were about to wrap up, a man came out of the church and talked to one of my boys. I listened something like, 'I'll meet you soon, don't worry'. I interrupted and asked the man of what was happening. He said that he needed to go to hospital or called an ambulance as he had this pain in his chest. So I asked to sit and called 000. To sum up, in less than 10 minutes, an ambulance came. The man was examined and monitored and he had arranged his relatives to take care of his son (some people who were in the church as well at that time). The kid was a bit disoriented after that. He was quiet during our sunday school but I could tell that he was a bit confused of what happened at that time. After the worship finished, the ambulance took off and brought the man to the hospital.

All these things happened pretty quick and calmly, almost inaudible by those in church. No one in the church noticed, let alone asked what the hell was an ambulance doing in front of the church. We called an ambulance, the kids were a bit terrified, ambulance came, paramedics diagnosed him, monitored him, took him off. And within the same place, about 80 people prayed, listened to the sermon, reaffirmed their faith, sang hymns, chatted, exchanged news, and felt refreshed.

For me it feels like, each of us suffers our own pain and we are suffering in silence. Quietly the pain seeps into our life, sometimes not by our own choosing. In some contexts, those who are close to us, might feel our torments to certain degree, but no matter how close they are, our miseries are properties of our isolated being.

In contrast, happiness is most of the times louder than misery. Look at the celebration of royal wedding. We shout, we sing, we scream, we laugh, we clap sharing the joy. Maybe, just maybe, outvoiced by our celebrating sound, some people or even the supposedly happy bride and groom, were crying in their heart.

The sound of our joy has successfully covered the quiet voice of crying people in Syria, Libya, the silent agony shared by those who lost their loved ones in Alabama. It's always the case that those who win the battle will roar, and those who lose will surrender in the inexpressible and unspoken state of defeat.

As the world keeps on moving, the earth keeps on rotating in silent, undisturbed by the fact that each of us suffers the unpronounced, inarticulate, aphonic grieve and anguish, in silent.

The Piano Man

I have this urgency to write at the time when I should revisit all the tutorials for tomorrow's exam. But who cares! The best feeling in life comes when you do things you shouldn't do *grinn. The worst, though, is regretting as the consequences roll back to you, but it's not for now, so why bother ?!

Have you ever watched the eyes of a piano player when her/his fingers are dancing on the tuts? Well, for me, most of the times my puppy eyes will be closed. It's something I can't help, just automatically. For sure, I can't close my eyes when I still learn the notes. But I can guarantee you, the minute I got the tune and melody in my head, my eyes retreat and wander around in other realm, the world of that particular music.

Music, for me, encapsulates most -if not all- of things that happened in my life.

I lost my mom when I was 8. She's the one who first taught me how to play. I would play the song from hymns as she gently wept and withered in her bed. I played, my eyes were closed.

I met my mentor in life when my father was searching for someone to continue to teach me play. He did not only teach me Mozart and Bach (of course Chopin and Beethoven), but he taught me how to believe in something that I put away along with my grieve. He taught me how to play God, a minuscule part of the Providence and I closed my eyes.

I met my life I knew now when I was playing an organ in a church. A man came and praised my playing. He offered me a place in Uncle Sam's big house to play music there. My heart pounded, my eyes were open big. My father said no, it has to be medicine or engineering. My heart broke, my eyes dimmed, I played alone.

I keep on playing, people keep on showering with compliments. None of them know, each tuts I press, it brought me a glimpse of memory, of things that continue to stay with me, forever. Like the changing of one tone to another, the melody continues, I know in my journey of life, as one phase fade sout and the other unfolds, my eyes will be closed,
but my heart will remain open.

That was very beautiful. Did you just make it up while you were playing? with those closed eyes?

And So This Is Christmas

Friend: 'Any plan for Christmas?'
Me : 'Nope. I think I will just go to the church'
Friend: 'Same here. Maybe I should just clean up my room, watch Sang Pemimpi. I also want to go for star gazing'.
Me: 'I guess it might be good, to have a real 'silent-night' Christmas'

It's christmas time and all around we can hear those typical Christmas songs played over and over again. O Holy Night, God Bless Ye Merry, Gentleman, in one CD with Last Christmas. Well, it maybe a loss or it could be a gain, when artists created Christmas songs without any philosophical thought on the born baby (arbitrarily celebrated on 25th December). Songs like Blue Christmas, All I Want For Christmas is You, Last Christmas, and even Christmas Song and Jingle Bells. They are nice songs with nice tune and they make you miss your family and beloved ones *snob.

It is a loss. Those songs simply put Christmas as a mark of seasonal holidays and celebrations. As a child, I think of Christmas as a time for shopping, gifts, new clothes and shoes, decorated trees, illuminations, a short speech of some short biblical prophetic verses and of course holidays. As a teenage girl, I welcome Christmas with anxiety (am I wearing perfect gown?), whimsical thought of mistletoe, unique card greetings, hectic and haste for extravagance parties and ceremonies, and maybe a little bit of (just a bit) of contemplation.

While now, I embrace Christmas (again) as a mark of the end of the year, and (again) holidays. It's the end of my contract, my job, and the beginning of series of wandering journey to come. It's the time to call all families (including the long ignored ones), emails writing, to delete messages from my cell phone inbox, to 'pay homage' to church. It's the time for some bogus 'love' celebrations, for some kids perform dance and drama for the sake of big grin on the old folks faces and sometimes for routine caroling. It's not wrong, though.

Since weeks ago, my friends has been ringing the ultimate question 'What do you plan for Christmas?'. I have been asking it too. So where's the savior, where's the sacrifice, where's the humility of being a mere human, where's the contemplation of grace, where's the praise for Divine humbleness? Where's the baby Jesus? If you're lucky you can find him on your church decorations, still lying on the manger.

It seems to me, we lose some Christ in our Christmas. Christ is only present in the wording: Christ-mas

The songs are not to be solely blamed. No, it's just a tiny part of this whole thing (I don't know what to call it) of worn-out, tiring Christmas. I can find some orientalism here :). It's totally pervasive. It's everywhere. It's your decorations, it's your longing for winter (most of us never even see snow shower, and many will never have the chance), it's your feeling of lunatic loneliness (is Christmas designed to be the time for family?). And its mine as well. But to condemn those pervasive 'western' cultures (you may call it) is the same pathetic orientalism.

So, anyway, what's the gain? Well, I can give you a long list of how fun it is to have this kind of Christmas. Holidays, new clothes, gifts. But that's what you call our loss, you may protest. That's it! I am driven to think of all those losses simply as my negative perspective (I have to admit, I can be very cynical -most of the times-). For now, at least, by realizing those losses (which came from my negative perspective) I come to the part where I start to think over the whole ideas of Christmas.

And so, my first attempt will depart from the above conversations between me and my friend. "I guess it might be good, to have a real 'silent-night' Christmas". It was (I'm 99% sure) a silent night. :)


ANYWAY, Happy Christmas and Happy Holiday, everyone!

~Welcome To Our World, by Michael W Smith~

Tears are falling, hearts are breaking
How we need to hear from God
You've been promised, we've been waiting
Welcome Holy Child
Welcome Holy Child

Hope that you don't mind our manger
How I wish we would have known
But long-awaited Holy Stranger
Make Yourself at home
Please make Yourself at home

Bring Your peace into our violence
Bid our hungry souls be filled
Word now breaking Heaven's silence
Welcome to our world
Welcome to our world

Fragile finger sent to heal us
Tender brow prepared for thorn
Tiny heart whose blood will save us
Unto us is born
Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around You
Breathe our air and walk our sod
Rob our sin and make us holy
Perfect Son of God
Perfect Son of God
Welcome to our world

God and other things equal to it

Menyimak comment-comment manusia facebook di note adek saya Chandra, saya jadi ikut bertanya-tanya tentang Tuhan.

Susah-susah gampang memang mempertanyakan definisi Tuhan. Dengan apa kita menanyakannya? Karena pertanyaan pun sudah mendefinisikan. Kata tanya yang dimiliki manusia, semuanya berfungsi membatasi jawaban. Dengan membatasi jawaban paling tidak kita telah mendapat gambaran bahwa Tuhan bukanlah selain dari maksud kata tanya itu.

Tuhan itu apa? Berarti merujuk pada sesuatu/hal. Apa membatasi eksistensi. Tidak akan ada pertanyaan apa untuk sesuatu yang tidak pernah diketahui atau diimajinasikan manusia.

Tuhan itu siapa? Ini malah lebih jelas. Berarti Tuhan adalah person dan singkatnya memiliki personality atau karakter

Tuhan itu mengapa? Dalam pertanyaan ini berarti Tuhan adalah sebuah kausa (walaupun dari segi bahasa susah melogikakan pertanyaan ini)

Tuhan itu bagaimana? Bagaimana berfungsi utama menanyakan cara. Di sini Tuhan artinya sebuah proses atau kegiatan atau mungkin keadaan yang memerlukan jawaban deskriptif.

Tuhan itu kapan? Jelas, dengan pertanyaan ini, kita membatasi Tuhan adalah sebuah peristiwa

Tuhan itu di mana? God equals place. Ada yang bilang di surga, di atas sana, di jiwa ini (seperti kata Ebiet G Ade), di tiap benda (seperti yang diyakini agama-agama Timur).

Tuhan mungkin adalah topik perdebatan yang paling tua yang sampai sekarang masih diperdebatkan dan akan terus diperdebatkan. Bagi saya, perdebatan itu saja sedikit banyak sudah menjelaskan Tuhan. Hanya saja kita sedang mendefinisikan sesuatu yang dari awalnya kita anggap di luar manusia. Sang Maha. Untuk mendefinisikan maha, kita perlu sebuah maha konsep, maha kata, maha kalimat sehingga terbentuk the ultimate definition.

Sayangnya manusia hanyalah manusia, bukan maha tapi mere -belaka-, sehingga tak memiliki ke-maha-an yang lain. Dengan ukuran manusia, konsep manusia, kata manusia, kalimat manusia, yang relatif sekali itu, masing-masing kita mendefinisikan Sang Maha. Bayangkan saja anda harus meraba sesuatu yang luar biasa besar, tinggi, dan lebar (seperti sebuah pahatan di dinding raksasa). Yang bisa kita raba hanya sejangkauan kedua tangan kita.

Lalu bagi saya, jika semua hal dan eksistensi di semesta ini bermula dari titik kecil, bertumbuh, dan runtuh kembali ke titik terkecil, titik terkecil itu saya definisikan Tuhan.

Divine Inequality

“No matter how a person strives for it, the conditions of life can never be perfectly equal. Even if by misfortune, such an absolute dead level were attained, there would still be inequalities of intelligence, which coming directly from God, will never escape the laws of man”

Alexis de Tocqueville

I would say I agree that there is such given inequality in life. Those who believe in the existence of God would say it is divine intervention or preordination while those who do not believe may say it is a matter of fortune.

Some people are born blind, others with incurable syndrome, so it is not just inequalities of intelligence but also physical inequalities, mental inequalities and other issues. These inequalities lead to inequalities of treatment from other people, society, and state. This in turn means different treatment, different chances, and different choices to some extent.

There are, however, situations and contexts in which people with different needs should be treated equal. For example, in a democratic election all citizens despite their race, gender or religion have the same right to vote. There are also other basic rights for every citizen that need to be fulfilled.

But to think of a community or society or state that gives equal treatment to every single one of its members, is a utopian idea. To imagine a state in which fire department recruits paralyzed citizens to be the fire fighters is somehow unacceptable. On the other hand government of states also need to make a positive or reverse discrimination towards disadvantaged groups inside society. Affirmative actions that favor some groups sometimes need to be adopted.

At the same time, what we perceive as equal treatment sometimes is misleading. To govern, every state needs simplification. The result of this simplification is categorization of citizens with regard to taxation, conscription, and other issues. Partly as a result of neglecting the very identity of its citizens. Thus a person with lower income may have to pay the same tax as person with higher income (it is more obvious in middle-class society).

The question is do we really need to achieve a perfectly equal life. Do we need to be treated equally by state? There is a hidden trap in the idealistic view of equal treatment because sometimes the best way to treat a person (even sometimes in socio-political context) is by considering his or her background and aspects of life. Besides that society also needs some degree of competition to increase the quality of life for all and to some extent, inequality encourages this competition.

In the end, the world has witnessed failed attempts from state to create perfectly equal communities. Former USSR and the Great Leap Forward in China can be reminders of how tricky and sometimes tragic it can be when a utopian equal society ideal taken into force.