An Omen

My mom was short messaging me 5 days ago
She said," Don't you worry the heavy and weary load. As long as you stick to the right direction, you'll surely arrive at your destination"

Aaah mommy how did you know?

The day before she even called me right before my tears started to fall. Right after I asked Lord, why so much pain, and whined that I don't have anyone to turn to. That's when my cell phone rang.

It was my mom, saying she couldn't sleep because she felt that there was something wrong, and that very something was on me. A clairvoyance, and every mother is a clairvoyant, they say once. I believe in such things and that such thing is beyond my life's triviality. As I recall I never experience a clairvoyant unless you categorized whimsical thought as one of these. But here it is, a sudden call from my mom (she accused me that I failed the TOTAL GS interview ... aha!! another clairvoyant to be revealed by the end of Feb 2010).

From womb to tomb, they say. A child is attached to his/her mother, physically in her womb for a certain times, simulating the same heart beat which will follow them till the last earthly resort, the tomb.

Well, as for the conversation, I, of course pretended that everything's alright least to make her worrier. I talked about my boring job, another sudden responsibility from my professor. But she knows me too well. I think she sensed my perplexity so she suggested me to do some serious writing, not to hunt job (I know, she wanted me to find a descent job, but she didn't even mention it). Writing... gee...my mom really knows her daughter.


I miss her...

Death and All His Friends

Death is a distant rumor to the young. ~Andrew A. Rooney

Introducing Pak Jumari, a clerk who has been working for UGM for more than 20 years. He's now counting down his pensioner time. Pak Jum doesn't have much work to fuss about (not like me :p ). He arrives at 7 o'clock, opens all the doors, switches on all the ACs, and does some mere cleanings. Occasionally during the day, he goes to the kitchen to do some dishes while chatting with one or two friends. Sometimes, TURT (Households and correspondence) will call him to do cleanings in other part of this big office. But most of the times, I find him lazying around or sleeping.

There's one thing Pak Jum frequently do in which I find I begin to develop a curiosity. Going to funeral. It is so often that one of his friends or relatives calls him (I handle all his calls now, like his own secretary) to inform that another friends or relatives of them died and are buried. He then will begin to give me a iffy explanations and lame details, and off he goes!

Sometimes, I wonder how many funerals can one attend during one's life? Well as I can recall during this 11 months of working here, Pak Jum had attended 10 funerals more or less. One funeral for one month. I remembered, it was probably in the mid of April, when Pak Jum attended 3 funerals in just two weeks. WOW!!! The deceased were his neighbors and it involved some ordinary mystical belief -a sort of competition between nearby cemeteries-.

Anyway, though I sometimes sceptically accept his reasoning for leaving the office -which might be an excuse for him to skip the day I suspect (but who can blame him -his work is totally mundane-)- I feel myself unable to forbid him to leave, or to just question his excuse -even if I want it, even if there is a solid ground to suspect him. In his age, no one can question a reasoning of one friend's death and funeral to take a day off.

Death, die, dying, dead, in Pak Jum age, are trite events and wordings. I think Pak Jum has accustomed to death and with every respect to him, Pak Jum might have lived it to the point where it resound nothing extraordinary. Is it had to be related to age? Well, though I have to admit that every one, each of us, lives our life with death floating in the air, aging makes one is prone to sickness, casualty, degradation, and therefore nearer to death.

Ah, this is quite a scary topics, but as someone says ( I forget who), you haven't lived until you think of death constantly :)

* picture

Take A Bow For You

Life is crazy
and you've been living it so well

you do the jump with borrowed skateboard
learn the geek softwares and to plug the LAN Cable
you even master the red hat linux
and show your own tofu- salad dressing skill

you study 14 different lessons in a week
biology, math, physics, sociology, and party
you survive more tiesan 20s too-sweet-birthday cake
and manage your chin up for forgotten birthdays

so congratulations
you need to take a bow for yourself

you prove yourself able to accomplish all the deadlines
while keeping up with the news and the gossips
and when you screw all the tests
you hold on to yourself


in your life that somehow went nowhere
you retain from killing yourself
even take time to be a devoted blogger
life's like a messy room, but still you find a place to sleep

so congratulations
you need to take a bow for yourself

you buy the needles, do the knitting
and give a sweater to beloved one
the one you soon realize philandering
!! but somehow you chill out and enjoy your ice cream time


you pass all the hots and cools
flu, fevers, measles, and some psychosomatic symptoms
with or without Prozac

so congratulations
you need to take a bow for yourself

you lurk yourself inside cabinet
to meet your schizophrenic need
but never let away for too long your breath

yesterday someone hit you
and others hissed behind you
life is so rough and so 'grrrr'
but that's what those self-help books for

so congratulations
you need to take a bow for yourself


you do the aikido and research well
and your friend got invited to the government gala dinner
while your ex enjoying the sight of big apple
you pass jealousy and hatred
with or without tear


you survive all the lust world serve you
without losing your sanity and desire
and miyabi doesn't get the best of you
you've done your self definition so far

so congratulations
you need to take a bow for yourself

learn how to not over do make up
to make a diorama for some reasons you wonder why
learn how to sing in a choir to savvy the state of world's security
learn how to survive never-ending job interviews
to force a smile when the answer is sorry
learn how to best adapt to awkward situations
to recycle worn out dating series

learn sometimes life's so unkind
and your journey stuck in between reality and dream
that you blew out so many good changes
and ended up with wrong choices
maturity doesn't resound anything real to you
and your parents keep nagging at you
but you manage to survive those rounds

so congratulations
you need to take a bow for yourself


we need to take a bow for you
shall we ?

The Road Less Travelled

They say take the road less travelled
but I walk the road you've walked
and I feel no regret...
I feel no regret...

I wowed my self with big Ben and Yo
let the memories froze in Prambanan

Never been I so mystified
but the ruin Taman Sari and big smiled Dey
gave me precious pictures

I sang my heart out
when I rehearsed the grieving tune of Bach
Oh I remembered the smiles and the frowns there in Kota Baru
and I cried out

I learned life can be so mean
from yellow walled tiny room in Tri Edhi
and friends, they might not always be true

But I healed as my life went on
I found my rhythm
singing along with Billy and Joe
walking our step down every corner's of UGM

and friends, I met some more
dancing like we knew it
leaving traces in Depok Beach, Kaliurang,
and I left dreams in their li'l comfy room

I glanced the beauty of art with Sondy
through the jungle of Beringharjo
I embraced the carefree of life with Vera and Nova
jumped from one simple pleasure to another in that small Gallery
Silly things I did with pimpled Lina
eyed all our crush on the pavement faded away
and episodes of prozac matters with sweet Vini

Along the road Godean, I squeezed my self
with calm Deta and funny Nael
somehow I'm always able to recall the moment

I was full of wonder
I danced so slowly
love's not for me for now, I thought then

Somehow, the red rose found a place
it was around 6 o'clock pm and dark
somewhere around Sosio Yustisia blocks
with his helmet put on,
I believed cupid live in Jogja

From the series of Rp. 10.000 movie in Mataram
to one simple sneaky kiss behind painted canvas of an exhibition in Societet
From melancholy feeling of Angkringan Sendowo
to grandiosity of Ambarukmo
From good food exploration
to rally of Daendels street of Kulon Progo
From lovely white sand beaches of Gunung Kidul
to mountains of Sleman

270506 05.55 5.9 6234
The moment I was woken up by the rumble earth
and for the fragile of human, I cried and grieved

To Sketsa Sagan fam,
they'll have my biggest grin
for teaching me to chill out life a bit
and knitting around with Poyeng

then I found new home
next to dearest Inong, Tati, and now Uli, Ribka, and Rina
with heart open, I learned new lessons in Karang Wuni
from understanding a hard life of Ardel
to tricks to live with over-audible neighbors

Some lessons I took
from the streets in those days under your dim lightbulb
Tugu, Jetis, Mirota
ah...little children on the street
craving for Aibon and food

And that old old malioboro
which often I wandered alone
rejuvenate the ups and the downs
the empty and the full
the high and the low
the loves and the hates
I have for the city I dwell in

and those benches in Vrederburg
will always be my refuge
my rendezvous with the soul of the city kept in my heart

Happy Birthday Jogja

Crappy Writings 1

If love is a religion, then we are all on-off apostates.

Well, we had a fight last night. Ok, not really a fight with melodramatic words or flood of tears or with raising pitch voice. It was just (at least for me), an attempt of heart to heart discussion which turned out to be a one way communication with bitter resume for both.

It was all about misunderstanding. How I felt I've been misunderstood and yes, it works also for him, he felt he's been misunderstood. So much for nearly 4 years of relationship.

It leads me thinking how fragile is one relationship. It grows cold, turns out sour, and at some points you wonder where all those happiness gone. I witness many couples broke and failed, I was one of them or maybe I will be (for good or bad) another victim of bad relationship (or it'd better be said, the persecutor).

I saw one of my neighbor came to my mom, cried all day and without even asking anyone, I understand the reason why. What else other than philandering husband. I see friends trapped inside self abusive relationships going upside down like a super rollercoaster, spending liters of tears and an amount of tissues. While some are (trying hard to be) happy with their demanding partner. Some got deceived and fooled. Options left, closed your eyes and learn to numb it, live it, or bang!! head on out the door.

I am no better off.

While I don't have right to judge, it seems to me relationship (and so called love) is much too complicated to comprehend. For me, most of the times, to get along with someone you (think you) love is like to open a pandora box. One could never know what's inside. No matter how deep you (think you) know that person, gamble is one of the facets you face. Hopefully, you bet on the lucky card.

More over, people changes whether you like it or not and in other ways they remain the same, no matter how bad you want them to change. Today's good boy might surprise you some day. Who knows, maybe your lover is a devoted masochist? Will you brave enough to leap or walk away or you just let him get others to satisfy him? Extreme example, but then again you'll never know.

Maybe there is some differences between worn out relationship and love-drain. Probably they are two things with similar symptoms. Worn out relationship is just like saying "I love him but I'm not in love with him" (quote from Vicky Christina Barcelona). While love drain is living in a relationship like a zombie. If you ever watch "The Hours" you must get the idea. You act automatically not naturally. You put aside your emotions. Both however can be fixed (well, most of the times).

Anyway, though you have to gamble a lot or a few, though you will never know for sure, I believe in every relationship you will find some space to improve whether yourself, your partner, or your relations or hopefully all the three.

So, life goes on, and love is our lifelong job. No matter how bad you want to take days off, you'll eventually get back to it.