The Piano Man

I have this urgency to write at the time when I should revisit all the tutorials for tomorrow's exam. But who cares! The best feeling in life comes when you do things you shouldn't do *grinn. The worst, though, is regretting as the consequences roll back to you, but it's not for now, so why bother ?!

Have you ever watched the eyes of a piano player when her/his fingers are dancing on the tuts? Well, for me, most of the times my puppy eyes will be closed. It's something I can't help, just automatically. For sure, I can't close my eyes when I still learn the notes. But I can guarantee you, the minute I got the tune and melody in my head, my eyes retreat and wander around in other realm, the world of that particular music.

Music, for me, encapsulates most -if not all- of things that happened in my life.

I lost my mom when I was 8. She's the one who first taught me how to play. I would play the song from hymns as she gently wept and withered in her bed. I played, my eyes were closed.

I met my mentor in life when my father was searching for someone to continue to teach me play. He did not only teach me Mozart and Bach (of course Chopin and Beethoven), but he taught me how to believe in something that I put away along with my grieve. He taught me how to play God, a minuscule part of the Providence and I closed my eyes.

I met my life I knew now when I was playing an organ in a church. A man came and praised my playing. He offered me a place in Uncle Sam's big house to play music there. My heart pounded, my eyes were open big. My father said no, it has to be medicine or engineering. My heart broke, my eyes dimmed, I played alone.

I keep on playing, people keep on showering with compliments. None of them know, each tuts I press, it brought me a glimpse of memory, of things that continue to stay with me, forever. Like the changing of one tone to another, the melody continues, I know in my journey of life, as one phase fade sout and the other unfolds, my eyes will be closed,
but my heart will remain open.

That was very beautiful. Did you just make it up while you were playing? with those closed eyes?

In a motion

In the middle of nowhere
find traces of milky way
out there, somewhere in nowhere

it is the loudest silence
so dim, it shines,
so wide, it confines

even a dog's bark
suddenly has a profound meaning
it adds something to the nothingness
yet, it remains empty

What can be contained in half of a second
of a reality and of a memory?
a falling star, probably?

and how does it end? or does it end?
does the end sacrifice itself to the beginning?
does it matter anyway?

the road ahead keeps unfolding itself
as the ahead molds into the passing
it keeps on fading out

and we, in a motion, always in between
the has and the shall
never arriving, never ever leaving

the destination is the ground beneath
to where we are attached,
yet forever moving.

what can be contained in half of a second
of a reality and of a memory?

Ending is the New Beginning. Is it?

Move on, or maybe it will pass eventually???

There are certain things and times in life where we can draw clear line between ending and beginning. When is your semester kicking in? When is it ended? When did you meet your partner? When were you born? When did your grandpa die? and so on.

As human being, we live through uncountable phases. We may, with the help of logics (or method of thinking, knowledge, whatever you may call it) simplify the phases. Early birth, infant, toddler, childhood, teenage, adolescent,adulthood, senior, -and of course ends with death (well, unless you believe in life after death). It depends on your perspective, you can end up with hundreds way of dividing life in stages.

But life (and here you can replace with reality) is never as simple as we want it to be. There are phases of life that are blurry, hazy, and indescribable. There are stages that we aware of after we grow out of them. There are even, some of us, or some of the stages, who would never realize that we've been through some episodes of life.

Maybe that's the point. How can we realize an episode, a stage, a level, a step, a room, a boundary, without start and end point? Maybe, not realizing it is the best attitude toward life maturity process. Blessed ignorance, the other saying goes.

I am no blessed ignorance (somethings that I really need to learn!). Call it thoughtful, reflective, or just absurd complex, I am 'it'.

So this year 2011, is the beginning of my new semester for sure (oh think about thousands of words that I should write d'oh!), and also new kind of life. Not totally different with what I had before, but still they're not the same.

To begin with, I broke up (yeah, I can hear sound of protest in my head, some even yell ungrateful bit*h). Well, blame me! I take my responsibility. Yep, it's me who ended it. I'm a selfish, arrogant, prideful, egoist, snob girl. I am lousy, not the kind of girl who you should consider if you are contemplating serious relationship. The credits for our four years something relationship should all go to him. I spiced the journey, he drove and struggled with the road, no one dealt with the destination: we got lost. Then we rushed to our maps and look, we have different ones now. How come? I don't have any idea. So, thank you it has been a nice trip, but I'm sorry, I'm heading somewhere else and so are you. I gently got off the car.

We' re cool, we try to be as grown up as we can be (sometimes being adult not equal to being rational). We still share whatever happens in life, still chatting, still texting, not much of a difference. Of course, we cut off those sweet words, or public display of affection. However, since we rarely had them before, it doesn't feel different, like there is nothing really change (so fundamentally what we had is just a deep care for each other with some sparks of physical attraction to legitimately call it 'relationship'). I still care for him, that's one thing for sure!

I moved from previous house, that 's something I should consider as part of new life. Things didn't go very well, not as well as I expected. The need to belong to a piece of shelter is so damn crucial that I had to leave despite all the consequences and emotional turbulence incurred. My new house I share with two aussie guys. One is doing PhD in art, the other is a public servant who like to watch Charlie Sheen's Two and a Half Men (I can be the half man :-) ). They are clean and simple. There's no constant 'what-will-they-think' kind of tension in my mind. Life with guys, if you don't like the way they do things, just spit it out in a civil way. No offense, no talking behind your back. No drama

Talking about drama, I recently saved myself from two of them. Well, they hadn't been developed into drama yet, but close. I managed to pass. I don't need this, and I stopped them there. I'll elaborate it other posts (if I can force myself to =p ).

So, in the end of this writing, I just want to say, as a human sometimes you need to stop and say to yourself, this it what I call an end (be it relationship, be it activity, be it addiction, be it status quo, or life as a whole) and move to the new beginning. The new start might constitute a small part of your cosmic life, while the other parts keep moving on, not arriving to their own ends yet, or it can be your whole life, it really depends on the way you see it. The point is to move on by renewing things or maybe you don't have to. Don't read my blog for advices in life :D.

Where Little Things Count

Canberra... what a city

I don't really know how I'm going to write about Canberra. I've been here for almost two months. I came to know where to find red hot chilli pepper, where to buy the cheapest groceries, when to throw organic waste, that thou shall not predict the weather and so on and on. Nevertheless, this city somehow remains in a distance from me.

Obviously, Canberra is small city with road that goes round and round in circle (well, people say you can't help it, this city is designed for politicians :p). Not much to do here, compare to, well basically almost all cities in Australia. There are not so many shopping centre which is somehow good. The night clubs are full of drunken teenagers leaving sunday mornings colored with some cheap alcohol bottles. We have only bus as inner public transportation which happily run for like once in an hour from 9-4 on weekend. And don't get lost in working hours here especially in the housing areas, there is no human being to ask for direction.

I live in a small house, near the bus stop (which is very important point of taking this house), near the city (so I don't have to worry about getting home late, again, on the weekdays), near the ANU (but still, having Crawford as my campus, I must walk for about 25 minutes from bus interchange). But for me the best thing of my current home is the bicycle path. It is away from the road, along the creek, among the green grass, and trees, simply beautiful. The thing is it becomes very dark to cycle after 7 pm and you don't want to bump into a possum, right?

However, well a big HOWEVER, this city is somehow fascinating and interesting. Start using your intuition, and then you'll notice many wonderful things lie beneath its solemn and still existence. It is the city, where you must sensitize your senses to enjoy its beauty.

Recently, I was trying to find some art workshop or classes (to make me have a good 'couture' feeling :p ). I could not find it anywhere even by typing keywords like workshop in google. But gradually, I came to understand that I need a new strategy to unfold the mystery of Canberra. So I started looking all over again by first searching for local community centre, museums and galleries, or even local festivals. Then, from that enquiries, I continued to seek small classes they provide. And I found them. They do exist. Eureka!!!!

The other day, I went to Cockington Garden in Gold Creek Village. It's sort of a garden where many of miniatures of houses and buildings around the world are exhibited. It is fairly interesting, but even more so in spring, I think. However, what struck me the most is their tagline, 'where little things count'. These words sound even more true, when my friends and I explored the neighborhoods. The village's full of small shops with so many little, tiny, sweet, and delicate stuffs mainly made by Canberran artists. You cannot spend just a day to really savvy all those tiny lovely goods they made.

A day there made me realize that sometimes to connect with this city, I have to stop a while, be still, open my eyes, unfold my hands, breath slowly, immersed myself into the surroundings, and let it reveals its beauty.

I believe Canberra has many things to offer to people come by, if only they stop looking with their own direction. It's a long way to really justify my thesis and I only have two years to test myself. But, I think I've made a good start to take a glimpse of it.

"Like the first dewfall, on the first grass" Cat Stevens, Morning Has Broken

"I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop I love so much"

Landon Pigg, Falling in Love in A Coffee Shop

"Stand by your man, cause after all he's just a man" Tammy Wynette, Stand By Your Man

"On my way home I can remember every new day" Enya, On My Way Home

"The long day is over...." Norah Jones, The Long Day Is Over

A Family Can Be Found Anywhere

A family can be found anywhere

A home can be build anywhere. One can build it inside a small classroom or a confined computer room. You can build it in a noisy and hot food court or maybe a cozy study room

It can be inside a tall and proud cobble stone building

A family can be of anyone

It can mean 4 brothers and 8 sisters, and 1 big uncle :)

A brother can be anyone

For me

He can be a vulcanologist turned to seismologist who taught you to appreciate every single moment. He can be the guy who always sit by the door and drink any kind of Ultra Milk. He can be bald, and skinny, and a fan of Slipknot. He can be the one who promised to biketracking with you. Well, who knows when you will meet him :)

He, of course, can be funny and talkative and silly and helpful at the same time. He can be a person who likes to have Indomie for breakfast. He can be a very good leader, who handle most of the managements from working with your visas and karaoke. So if one day you met him, please remember that he didn't like to wear any watch or accessories.

Sometimes, he can be the boy who surprised you with his singing talent!! You'll never think that any MOFA's employee can sing a good dangdut. That man can be your brother too. You have to be careful because he can be so humble and at the same time, proud of his photocopying capability!! If you find a government man who showed good sport to every condemnation, then you've found him.

He can be an architect-wanna-be who tried to savvy that damn Freudian Psychoanalysis. He can be very open and a good listener at the same time with Singlish accent and Sundanese here and there. He can be the person you can always talk to, from how to save your relationship to tricks on crossing the street. Maybe you'll find him telling dirty jokes, if you're lucky.

A sister can be anyone

For me,

She can be a modest pianist, arranger, knitter, and singer. She can be someone whom you have so many things in common with, from idolizing Satoshi Tsumabuki to adoring Try Tone, from not wanting to do master in Japan to sea food and nasi goreng teri medan lover. She can be, like you, an IR apostate and hopefully find rest not so far from sociology :)

She can be a too-good-looking-to-be-a-lecturer lady who tried to prove that her daughter diet is anything but worse than those fat chubby kids. If you find a woman who told you that the best job she ever had is flight attendant then you know you've found this wonderful sister.

For sure, she can be a real good civil servant who deals with biofuel, God hears her!!! She can be the person you met in Karaoke always with good marks and up to date songs (who the hell is Taylor Swift???!!!). You can always tell her, when you see a woman so passionate and so lively when arguing something really matter to her. That's her!!!

She might be a little bit silent and calm but be patient and you'll hear extraordinary comments coming from her mouth. She can be the person who always have this take-it-easy-lah style, no need to rush, never hustle. Then when you see her, presenting her thoughts, you will understand that this kind of sister is not easy to find.

She can always be a lot older than you but with an evergreen smile. She can be the person who you will always nod everytime she asks you something. You'll go miles for her errands, in return for delicious dinner :p. A woman who always win debate on population and vocabulary game, that sounds like her.

Oh yes she can be a person who sometimes you wonder how come she knows so many things. She can be a woman who will give you a positive critics, appreciation, and little compliments now and then, never with any hesitation. If you wonder where all the candies gone, then surely she's around you.

She can be what you called breeze and calm wind. A little bit shy and coy, one you can never think to have two kids and your question will be,'How come you stay slim?' That very fine lady will answer you nothing but her beautiful smile will keep you quiet. Ah, if you meet her, please on behalf of me, ask her to dance.

She can be a girl you envy for having a good english and unique eyes. However, you can do nothing but to love her, since she is a big fan of Alanis, like you!! She can be that very person who shocked you with her laughing, like every little joke is so hilarious. So when you find someone giggle with you at the same time, you know whom you've met.

A big uncle can be anyone

For me,

He can be a sarcastic teacher who gets less and less hair everyday. He can be so expressive to the point he will run amock out of class but like to avoid emotional situations. He can be the one who desperately taught you to well pronounce participatory and got mad every time you say 'mention about and discuss about'. He can be the teacher who told you that you are the brightest ones, that you shouldn't underestimate yourselves, that you shouldn't expect that every western people is as smart as him. He can be the teacher who left you with so many silly quotations that you'll remember by heart. If you heard a bald man said amusingly,'KAMU LAGI!!!!' then you know it's him.

and me,

well, like my friend once said, a family is shawl and I'm just a thread.

A family can be found anywhere

and you will amaze how simple it is

For me,

there were unfolding arms

mine and theirs

They opened their hearts

I opened mine

and that's all the difference there was.