What keeps you going?

Don't you ever feel like quitting something you've started but somehow you just keep doing it? That's what I feel right now. Well, it's not like I really want to quit and abandon everything, I am tempted to take a pause for a while. But instead of taking a period of hiatus, I find myself continue doing all those things even in a more agressive way.

Those things include contacting people I've long ignored, persuading them to donate their old books and mags, urging some peoples to submit their writings, calling and asking things in nearly self humiliating way. Some went smoothly, while some turned out to be useless failed attempts. But again, I can't help myself to quit.

The reasons? Well, I can't think of any exact explanation for this almost-self-destructing habit (oh ok not a habit). It could be workaholic (who am I trying to fool?), or inner passion ( I hope it's not) or simply I just can't find reasons good enough to make me quitting.

Of all those things I'm doing for street children for example, I have to confess that they didn't solely come from my compassion for them. I mean I love them to some extent and sometimes my heart breaks to see them on the street, the place they don't belong to. But what I feel for them is quite complex. A mix of pity, compassion, refusal, indifference, pain, and anger. I might have came to a point where I get used to them. I'm starting to see them as a common part of my daily activities, my prayers, my works. So common, I slowly forget the first time I got a kick out of the pain looking at their eyes.

So what keeps me going the most is probably the willing to do things right, the urgency to get things done, to make what I've started matters for others but above all, for me. And I haven't arrived there yet....


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